If a real estate agent were forced at gunpoint to describe the bungalow in the ghetto that I desire in print, it might read like this:

“BUN-GHETTO- the joys of simple, bungalow living with the fun and action of the ghetto. Human resident ready (already rat occupied), close to bus lines, proximity to homeless shelter. Near-by motorcycle club, great aluminum can pick up potential, plenty of activity- both knife play and gunfire. Very close to numerous established street drug reps. Make offer and duck.”

I kid, of course. I am delighted to be a potential first time homeowner thanks to the city’s “Homeowner Initiative” program that has been set up to help low to moderate income first time homeowners that have been priced out of the peninsula market.

With a price tag of $109,000 this former 1840’s dilapidated cabin, restored to just above code by the city is without doubt the lowest priced habitable dwelling in the city. For the man that wants next to nothing, this is it. And I would love to live there.

Of course to “qualify” for this low to moderate income house there are a few hoops to jump through. There is only 1 Bank, The Charleston Bank Consortium, the only “Bank” that is allowed to lend money for these City homes.

My understanding from the City and the Consortium is that these rehabilitated homes are for people that are long time Charleston residents, first time homeowners and be in a low to moderate income area from approx. $20,000- $50,000 per year.

Well, I certainly am a long time resident. If I’m not in L.A. trying to help Orphans, golf course managers or making jokes, for the past 27 years since I was a College Freshman, I have been in Charleston. And my family has been here since the 1890’s.

And when it comes to being “low income”, no one is more ghetto fabulous than me. I made $20,000 the past 2 years when I froze my salary at that level while working for Fireball Sports on behalf of Orphans although this year I am on pace to make slightly more than $40,000..still within the guidelines.

I didn’t see how I could be turned down for this bungalow that I had watched sit unoccupied for the past couple of years.

To the Consortium, I gave my past 2 years of tax returns. A profit/loss statement that showed I had about $10,000 cash in the bank. Along with a history of my past charity work and civil work in Charleston over the past 27 years.

I could not wait to take possession of that little house and decorate it fully as I had my former apartment with a mattress, a desk and 2 chairs.

I figured that soon after I moved in, I would entertain certain select “street dignitaries’ with maltish beverages and chat. And upon discovering that I lived without anything of value or even possessions, no one would ever bother to break into my home. I would just be the crazy white guy that likes plays basketball in the neighborhood and invites everyone in come N.B.A, Playoff time.

After making sure all was in order, my Consortium Counselor, Tammie, said that I would get an answer on a Friday after they had done a credit check.

After the credit check, Tammie came back with some slightly negative news. It wasn’t that I had “bad credit”, it was that I had no credit at all. The check revealed that I was a “Ghost”.

I was like “Am I at least ‘Casper the Friendly Ghost’? The Friendly White Ghost.”.

Tammie did not laugh.

As I reminded Tammie, I had told her that might be the case with my credit.

You see, in my 44 years, I have never had a credit card and never borrowed money from a bank for any reason. Not for a car, not for a house, not for a student loan. I always thought that if I didn’t have the money to pay for something outright…I shouldn’t buy it.

Tammie told me that they would need more information on me, it would be helpful if I could get a letter from my landlord saying that I paid my rent on time and letters from the electric company, my car insurer, a certified letter from a C.P.A. attesting to my cash worth, letters from my employers and whatever else I could think of to help.

So, within 2 days, I got letters from my landlord saying that I had paid my rent on time for the past 8 years, a letter from my insurer saying I had paid my car insurance on time for the 15 years. I got letters from my 2 major Employers saying exactly what I was paid and that they are happy with my work. Along with a certified letter that said I had more than $10,000 in the bank from a certified tax attorney. I thought about getting letters from old girlfriends saying that I am a good kisser and clean up around the house.

Tammie thanked me for my promptness and told me that I should have an answer from her Executive Director by the next day.

On the next day, Tammie called me to tell me that I could NOT have the little bungalow. She said that by their tabulations, I was too poor to make the payments of $650 per month.

I explained that I had been paying about that amount for my apartment over the past 8 years. And that I was making more than twice that amount of money this year than in those years.

Tammie said that she was “sorry”.

I decided to go talk with a friend at the City that works on this program. I suggested to my City friend “What if I get a roommate?” Certainly then I could afford it.”

My friend from the City said “Well, they would have to be on the application with you.”

And I said “But how would we decide which family to pass on the house down to over the next 100 years? (a stipulation of buying these homes)”.

My friend said “Well, y’all would have to decide that.” and she shook her head. My City pal then said “I can’t seem to get anyone in that house. You are about the only person that can see a vision for that neighborhood.”. And I told her honestly, “It’s not a vision that I get. I just want a place to rest at night. And a place that I can pass down to my Son. I’ve never really had a home. And it’s time.” I felt defeated.

So, as it now stands, even though I have no debts and over $10,000 in the bank. And I very much desire to live in a place that no one seems to want, I can’t live there.

A Consortium tells me that even though I owe no one nothing, work 2 jobs and do plenty of charity work…I am too poor to move into the ghetto. I am too poor for the cheapest cottage in town.

I imagine Gabriel being taunted by kids at school…

“Your Mama’s so fat….”
(And Gabriel cuts them off.)
“Actually, my Mother is quite thin. Please try again”.
“Well, your Daddy’s so poor that he can’t afford to move into the ghetto.”
(And Gabriel will have to go…)
“Actually, that’s not a cut. That’s more a historical fact. My Daddy IS too poor to move into the ghetto.”

Rich people trust me with their multi-million dollar homes and all their possessions. The City doesn’t trust me to live happily and pay my bills in the ghetto.

Some dream big. I dream of a tin roofed cottage in the ghetto. And that’s what it remains. A “dream” for the poorest, happiest man in town.