Stephen Colbert is a jerk. I only say this because Stephen Colbert is in fact a jerk.

Don’t get me wrong, I have never called out a celebrity or anyone else publicly for being a jerk before. Sorry Stephen, you jerk.

OK, I did suggest one time that perhaps Hugh Hefner is a doddering old coot who can’t seem to get out of his pajamas to face the day. But I never called him a “jerk” like Stephen Colbert…the big jerk.

So, why all the player hating toward SC? Especially from a man like me filled with nothing but love for all Orphans, puppies, sunshine and freedom? Well, it’s because Stephen Colbert is a jerk.

You see, I know Stephen Colbert and have always liked Stephen Colbert. But then I realized old Stevie is a jerk.

Steve and I know each other from town, we have the same comedy writer friends, I know his wife and his sister, I know the people that he went to school with, I know what happened at his school and our children have played on the beach together at Sullivan’s Island. I have given gifts to Stephen. And when his first child was on the way and he felt that it was time to move out of N.Y.C., I tried to help him find a home on Long Island. I have had his cell numbers, his office numbers and his home numbers. I have his e.mail address and for awhile, we used to talk quite a bit. But as he got more famous, I left him alone more and more because I could see that he was busy. And I did not want anything from him. I wasn’t looking for a job from Stephen. I liked being happy for Stephen’s success from the sidelines. I figured that if Stephen ever needed me, he would call. And I would only bother him if it really, really mattered.

Then last Summer, I was traveling America with a cameraman, Shawn getting a 1965 Mustang signed by celebrities to benefit A.I.D.S. Orphans. I was making fun of myself, while giving people a glimpse into the off stage lives of famous people that are constantly pestered by hundreds of charities. I asked Stephen to sign the car when we passed through New York. I sent e.mails to Stephen and never got a response. I chatted with his sister. Nothing.

I figured, Stephen is busy. We gets all sorts of requests. I reasoned that other people will sign the car, a good time will be had by all, we’ll get it edited, sell the car and make money for Orphans. I’ll see Stephen Colbert another day, perhaps when he retires and moves home. It doesn’t matter. I like Stephen Colbert and his whole family. And I went back to enjoying Stephen’s success.

Then, I gather that Stephen breaks his wrist while wandering his own stage. Perhaps the bright lights threw him? Perhaps the non prescribed painkilllers from his friend Rush Limbaugh? Perhaps he has weak wrists from some boyhood activity? I don’t know.

All I know is that Stephen Colbert breaks his wrist and then goes on to create a “Wrist Strong” bracelet, similar to the Lance Armstrong “Live Strong” bracelet, except that in Stephen’s case it is to promote wristal health rather than cancer awareness.

OK, I get it Stephen, you are making fun of everyone that does projects for charity, all the people with 1000’s of pet causes for the retina, the hypothyroid and the pancreas. People like me. All very funny. But that doesn’t make you a jerk.

Then Stephen starts pestering celebrities and politicians to sign his cast to be auctioned off for a veterans charity, the Yellow Ribbon Fund. OK, very funny. You are mocking the very thing that I asked you to do, you smug idea stealing prankster. You get the Mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, Bill O’Reilly, Speaker of the House- Nancy Pelosi, the White House Press Secretary and the Anchors of the national nightly news, Katie Couric and Brian Williams to sign your cast. Good for you. Then you get Katie Couric and Brian Williams to say on-camera that they will wear your “Wrist Strong” bracelet on TV that night. And when they do not, you call them “jerks”.

Ahhh, on the contrary, Mr. Colbert…you are the jerk. Katie Couric and Brian Williams actually took the time to meet with you. And film with you. And be nice to you and the cause that you represented. Just like me, you masked a stupid idea- your wrist cast auction around a great and legitimate charity to have some fun However, you, old pal, could not make the 90 seconds for me and the Orphans that we represent.

Katie Couric and Brian Williams played along with your joke, knowing that if they did not participate, you would mock them. Which you did anyway.

Well, you wouldn’t make the time to sign a car for dying Orphans, because you knew that I was too polite to ever mock you. And I was…until I saw you making fun of people that went out of their way to be nice to you…you jerk.

So, what do I want from Stephen? As usual, nothing. Oh, it would be great if he apoligized. It would be great if Stephen politely lied to me and said that he never got the e.mails. It would be the best if he would film with us and sign the car. Stephen would be joining teachers, health care workers, firemen, policemen and famous folk like Jay Leno, Al Franken, Spike Lee, Jeff Foxworthy. All people that have done great things for children.

Some things you can count on. One pound equals 16 ounces. Rush Limbaugh is a big, fat idiot. And Stephen Colbert is a jerk.

I’m still happy for your success, Stephen Colbert . And bless you in every way…you jerk.