There used to be a commercial that said “When E.F. Hutton talks, people listen.” Since, I do not have great financial wealth and do not know anyone from E.F. Hutton, I have replaced him with my pal, comedian/TV Producer, Jimmy Brogan. When Jimmy Brogan talks, I listen.

So, when Jimmy called me from Los Angeles and told me that Oprah was producing her first prime time reality show and was looking for “unknown philanthropists” and I should audition, I took it as a command more than a suggestion. Because when Jimmy Brogan talks, I listen.

Upon going to the Oprah website, I saw that the reality show was to be called “The Big Give”. And the sites first question asked “Are you America’s Greatest Unknown Philanthropist?”. Well, I thought, “great” is so subjective. And I am certainly unknown.

Later the site asked the question “Are you highly competitive, and want to use your ambition to help others?” Hmmm, I’m not sure that true charity lends itself to competition. I had to wonder “Is this show going to be like ‘Survivor”? On the first episode they ask us to inoculate as many AIDS babies as possible and whoever does the fewest gets kicked off the island?”. I’m not sure that even I want to be part of that show.

However, later, the website asked “Are you the type of person who can make things happen and do whatever it takes?”. And “Yes”, if my background shows nothing else, I am the sort of person that will do “whatever it takes” to help Orphans. Lets see, I have traveled the country, sold TV shows, balls, water and Chefs dinners. I’ve written columns and thousands of e.mails. I’ve filmed and edited and filmed some more. I’ve held fundraisers and driven 40,000 miles and slept in more truck stops that meth addicted truck stop whores. I have stayed broke for years and have yet to take a salary. So, yes gosh darn it, I would say by any objective measure that “I will do whatever it takes.”

The Oprah site indicted that there are 2 ways to audition for the show. You could send in a video and application but the due date of February 23rd was already past. However, there were four “Open Call Cities” just like American Idol. The cities for Oprah casting people were Los Angeles, then Nashville, Chicago and finally New York City.

Nashville made the most sense to me as it is “only” a ten hour drive from me in South Carolina, and the only city in which I held a “key to the city”. (I once saved Charlie Daniels from choking on a chicken bone.) And I have good friends in Nashville with whom I could stay for free.

Of course, knowing what I know about TV, I assumed that this casting would be as much about types and what Oprah’s people called “big personalities” more than it would be about what people are actually doing with their lives to help others. Do you really think that people are cast on “Survivor” or “American Idol” on some objective standard? Hell, I would be willing to pretend that I am a teenage lesbian that is about to come out of the closet to her parents, if it would help me get cast on “The Big Give”. But I am stuck being me, a middle aged, not especially attractive Caucasian man.

Accepting reality, I tried to get a group of Orphan Production volunteers to travel with me and audition. That way, I could say to the casting people, “Do you like my hot 25 year old physicians assistant, Caroline? My 26 year old nurse, Beth? My stud, the good looking, intense real estate developer, Agent McDreamy? Take any of them, they will all represent Orphan Productions well.”.

Unfortunately, nobody else was like me. And no one would take the 2 days off to travel back and forth to Nashville…except my cameraman.

We figured that even though the Oprah people were most unlikely to cast me, at least we would have some funny film and a conclusion to our 1 year Oprah story line as we have worked to help Orphans…with or without Oprah.

The one person willing to go to the Oprah casting was already in Nashville, my friend, Paul Dengler. Paul is a sweet, kind, thoughtful, spiritual guy that earns a living for himself, his wife Amy and their 3 kids in 2 ways. Paul works independently as a “faux stone” painter and also works professionally throughout the year as a “Forrest Gump impersonator”.

That’s right. Paul dresses and acts like Forrest Gump for MONEY as a representative of The Bubba Gump Shrimp Company all across America. And when Paul has on that outfit, he IS Forrest Gump. He does not break character as he goes on and on about “boxes of chocolate” and all things “Momma” and “Jenny”.

I actually met Paul when we were both doing a local TV talk show. It tickled me at the time that people were much more interested in a “pretend” Forrest Gump than they were a “real” me. But I have gotten used to others being more popular.

Any way, a few days later, I got an e.mail from Paul that said he read more about me in some newspaper and he thought that I was a living embodiment of the Forrest Gump spirit, just in the way that I travel the country, living simply, looking to help others. And besides, “his Jenny” had died of AIDS and I was working for AIDS Orphans.

Any way, Paul and I became very genuine friends. And I was happy to have him go to the audition with me.

And Paul was happy to have me and my cameraman, Shawn share his daughters empty bedroom on a Sunday night.

So, tomorrow, I audition for Oprah to be a part of her first prime time series. Maybe if things go well, I can be like the first winner on “Survivor”, Richard Hatch, and go to Federal Prison for tax evasion. Isn’t that all our Dream? Free food, free shelter and plenty of sex. Ahhh….America.