I once did stand-up comedy for a week in Nashville at a club called “Zanies”, performing with Tim Allen. Tim did very well. My response would best be described as “silence”. Perhaps “stunned silence mixed with anti-Semitism”. At the end of the week, the owner, Lenny Sisselman, asked if I wanted to come back for “2 weeks, next time”. His reasoning being that I had done better than the weeks previous headliner, Richard Lewis. I told Lenny that I was “never coming to Nashville again.”.

It’s said that you should “Never say ‘Never’.” because with a prime time show with Oprah hanging in the balance, all to help Orphans, I was delighted to be back in Nashville for an audition without pay.

The website for Oprah’s reality TV show, “The Big Give” said that the process started at “9 AM SHARP”. When I got there at 7:45 , there were about 50 people in line. In fact, I got number “52″. Paul, my Forrest Gump impersonator friend, was about half an hour after me and got number “100″. In total, about 180 people showed up for their chance to help humanity…and be shown proudly on TV doing it.

The mix was perhaps 75% women and the rest “men” like myself. Paul was the only person in costume, except for me. I was wearing hard shoes, which for me is a costume.

Talking with the crowd on this 60 degree morning, most of the people seemed to be simply Oprah fans and admirers. No great influx of full time charity workers like myself.

Quite sincerely, how can anyone NOT admire Oprah? I certainly do. She gives and gives in America and across the world. She encourages others to give, is good to old friends and seems to lead an exemplary life. As a pal of mine says, she is the “new Jesus”. Perhaps an exaggeration but I haven’t seen Jesus TV numbers.

For about an hour, a film crew took loving pan shots of the crowd cheering and rooting for all that is Oprah. You may be wondering why the crowd was cheering and rooting at 8 AM? Well, because the Producers “coached and directed” us to…repeatedly. It made me laugh when an hour later they had us sign a document saying that we would not be paid because we are not Actors and are not being “coached or directed” in any way. Irony or cheap bastards, you decide.

Not long after 9 AM, we were led into a conference room and lined up by number. There was plenty of idle chat between everyone and the other potential Contestants near them. People were extraordinarily excited because for many this was their first time auditioning for anything.

I was fairly quiet because I had Orphans on the brain. I had driven 10 hours to represent Orphans that needed help. And while I was polite and vaguely friendly with everyone, I was also a bit tired with a head cold and wanted to best represent these children, not make new friends in the greater Nashville area.

After an hour, they told us that they were going to break us up into groups of 10 and then take us as a group to be “interviewed” for about 3 minutes.

When my group was called in to a separate room where the official interview would take place, a camerawoman asked me “So, how do you feel?”. Somehow, my immediate response was “I’m ecstatic. I can’t wait to marry Oprah! Isn’t that what this whole thing is about? A chance to marry Oprah. It’s obvious she’s not content with Steadman. And we are meant to be together.” The camerawoman looked at me as if I was Satan. You do not JOKE about Oprah. Strike one.

Actually that was Strike Two. They would not allow my cameraman, Shawn, into the waiting room much less the audition. I learned, you do not film in an Oprah setting. Oprah has all the necessary cameras, thank you.

After another, 15 minute sit-down. We stood in another line for the individual interview. All the potential Contestants were filled with anxiety and questions, pestering every Interviewee after their 3 minute stint for tips. They acted as if this “audition” was some kind of test that they could cram for at the last moment like they are taking a Technical College Spanish exam.

Me? I just knew to be myself and I already had 44 years experience under my belt.

I was called in to speak with Paul and Amy. Both of them in their late 20’s, perhaps 30. Ahhh, I love my fate being decided by young Hollywood Casting people. There is nothing I like more than being held in judgement by show folk. I quickly reminded myself to be upbeat and positive, that I was really NOT there representing myself, I was in that room representing Orphans. So, there was no need to be nervous.

But I was a bit nervous. Lord, help me.

First off, I said something to Paul and Amy about them having a “hard job” because all these people obviously love Oprah. And “How could you not?”. I then spoke with the kids about a bunch of stuff we had done over the past 4 years to help Orphans, the A&E TV Special that got cancelled soon after the Tsunami, the ball sales, my little boy, Gabriel, selling Coca-Cola and water on the street to benefit Orphans and then we talked about our 15,000 mile drive across America, getting our Mustang signed by Jay Leno and tons of other “people of compassion” as a way to raise money and represent Orphans.

I could tell that we had gone long over the 3 minutes that is allotted. So, I took that as a “good sign” that they were interested in our work…and me.

Paul said that he understood that I had driven in from far away for this interview and didn’t want to make me stay around Nashville for a couple of days while the Producers decided who to call back. Paul then asked me if I would be able to attend another audition in NYC in just over a week. My immediate response should have been “Yes, anything you want, MIster!” However, I explained that I really was a charity worker and it would be hard financially. But I would do it if I must because I represent Orphans and will do “whatever it takes”.

And like that it was over. Like a haircut or an orgasm. Fun while it lasted.

I felt pretty good about the whole experience driving the 600 miles back until Paul, my Forrest Gump friend called me on the phone and told me about his “Interview/Audition”. Paul told me how they filmed him for a long time after his interview and how they were especially fascinated with this company he was working with that turns over their profits to charity called “The Peaceful Planet Bottling Company”. MY company. A company that I did not even mention in my interview.

I felt like an idiot.

Paul then explained that what he had learned about the show is that it is a competition where Oprah’s people give you some money to help others. You must then make other money and grow your idea. It is essentially about Oprah helping others to make their charitable ideas come true. I didn’t realize all this or I would have certainly talked about “The Peaceful Planet Bottling Company”.

The one thing that I should have mentioned, our beverage company to help the poor had gone completely ignored by me. But not by my friend, Paul.

Oh well, I hope they cast Paul. He will make a good representative of the company. And I get to keep my career as a touchstone.

Any way, I still had a nice 10 hour drive to think about it and Orphans to represent the next day. Dumbass.