Wow, I thought that I had had women break up with me in every possible way. I’ve had guys move into our apartment while I was out of town. I’ve had girls break the news to me after a quick read of Tarot cards. I’ve also had women tell me they are going back to old lovers, occasionally other women.
Now, I’ve had the e.mail break-up. New technology, new age, bub.
OK, I knew it was coming. We live 3000 miles apart. She didn’t much like the way I dress. She didn’t much like the inflection of my voice. She often questioned just exactly what sort of person I am.
I saw it coming. And it still stings.
In the early days of our “relationship”, which never even really became a relationship. In those days of multiple e.mail messages, she left me a 3 minute phone message that she had read in a novel in which the author went on and on about the strengths and virtues of the beet. Yes, the red beet that some people eat. The general thrust of this long passage was that I, Michael Fechter, am like a beet.
All I could think is “OK, I am like a beet to this girl, I suppose.” But I knew that I had never personally given such deep thought to even vegetables that I love and my reckoning was “This girl is too deep for me.”.
No, in truth, this girl was too scared for me. Oh well.
She would leave this phone messages after I had left her town like “I don’t know why I’m still thinking about you but I am.” And I would tell her “Because you’re crazy about me. And I’m fascinating to you. Get over it. It’s alright.”
But it really wasn’t alright.
She perceived herself as a loner. She perceived herself in so many ways. The one thing she did not do was perceive herself simply. And I do.
I see myself as a very simple man. I need very little…except an enormous amount of affection. I pointed this out to my pal one day and it didn’t please her all that much. She wanted a man more like a cat. A cat that needs no real maintenance. A cat that might wander into the hills for weeks at a time.
Something that simple was not in her nature for me. And based on what she told me of her past, it doesn’t appear it had been in the cards for anyone else. Oh well.
It’s funny what pushed us over the edge. It was something I wrote.
On and on, she loved the things I wrote. She loved the honesty and my attempts at being “transparent”. So, like any comedian or writer, I pushed the honesty and transparency even more.
Frankly, it was sort of a “love” letter that made her back away. I will have to re-read it someday to see what it was that may have offended but it was definitely a letter telling her how much she meant to me from the time of our “first date”. A date where we did not even kiss.
Or perhaps, it was a late night phone conversation and my honest answers to her questions and turned the river the other way.
I’ll analyze later. There’s plenty of time.
I haven’t liked a woman that immediately. That intensely in over a dozen years. So, it could easily be a dozen more. So, there should be plenty of time for analysis.
For now, I’ll just bask in the dull ache that is a break-up, at any age.
At least, I know that I can still meet someone and love them instinctively. Love them almost immediately. Love them for who they are. Love them for the traumas they have already suffered. Love them as completely as I am possible. And be able to walk away, if that’s what they desire.
I remember my friend once asked me in an e.mail “How can you love someone that is hedonistic and self centered? Someone that often relies on convenient ignorance and often goes into wild forays into mindless spending?”.
All I could say is “I don’t know. I just do.”.
Frankly, I saw more. She is brilliant. I felt blessed to meet her. I could tell that she was capable of bringing out more in me.
Even in our brief time together, she did.
I’ll analyze later. Today, I’ll bask in a bit of misery and happiness. All break ups are miserable. And yet, I’m happy for the time we had, the thinking we shared and happy because we just don’t belong together forever.
I knew that.
